Want to heal people pleasing patterns in your life? Never have time for your own work and needs?
Many of us identify as either people pleasers or having people pleasing tendencies.
So what is a people pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who puts the needs, thoughts, and opinions of others before their own. Often they do this unknowingly.
People pleasing can look like:
- avoiding any conflict
- Not feeling able to say No
- feeling like no one truly knows you
- taking the blame when it isn’t yours
- over-apologising for everything
- unable to accept praise or credit
- unable to take criticism in a healthy way
- agreeing with others to keep the peace
- worrying over what you said or how someone took it
- taking responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of others
- feeling like no one would love you if they knew the real you
- not sharing your own thoughts and beliefs for fear of disapproval
Where does people pleasing start?
I believe that the foundations of people pleasing begin as a young child. This can arise from different situations which result in the childs emotional needs not being met.
Due to the behaviour of the parent the child may be trained that the emotions of the adult are more important. They learn to anticipate the parents moods and alter their own behaviour to keep the peace. This is certainly what happened in my own case.
A child may be naturally sensitive to understanding what other children or significant adults need to make them more comfortable and adapt themselves to put others first.
When adults don’t understand the different energy or personality types of children then they may not ensure that each childs nature is honoured. This is more than sharing or taking turns. It’s understanding the natural differences in the nature of each of us and making room for all.
So let’s look at people pleasing through the chakra system.
A parent may have an imbalanced solar plexus so they come across as loud, demanding, needing things done instantly.
A child may be naturally thoughtful and slower to process information. They get hurried along by the parent time and again. The child is not strong in their solar plexus so their imbalance shows more as low self esteem, feeling powerless and inferior.
To compensate and get ahead of any difficulties they have with the imbalanced parent or teacher the child leans into their sensitive thoughtful nature to anticipate what the adult needs so she’s prepared. Over time this becomes a habit that we term as people pleasing.
And it’s not just the solar plexus that’s involved in the situation as you can see in this list.
- A fear of safety involves the base chakra
- not pursuing your own desires and pleasure disrupts the sacral chakra
- giving away too much of yourself leads to resentment and grudges in the heart chakra
- not being able to express who you are and your needs closes down the throat chakra
- being dominated by other peoples drama is a third eye imbalance
- lack of faith and purpose shows in the crown chakra
So How do you stop people pleasing? One step at a time!
Step One
Work with the base chakra to feel safe and grounded. Learn to disconnect your energy from other people and be centered within yourself.
Allow yourself to explore what’s important to you, what you desire in life, your personal values.
Work with your heart chakra, self love and being able to put yourself first.
Work with your solar plexus to become more decisive so you build your personal power and boundaries.
You do this through energy clearing – The Energy Key, grounding, breathwork, chakra balancing, colour meditations, writing it out.
Step Two
Develop your connection to the gentle pull of your inner being. Ask yourself what do I feel like doing right now or today? Then do that.
Release guilt, moment by moment by always reaching for a better thought to keep your focus on what you need for yourself.
Take action on the intuitive suggestions you receive rather than overriding them for the sake of someone else.
Check in with yourself before saying yes to anything, and learn to trust yourself.
Do this by learning to interact with your body through your intuition, body pendulum and mentally scanning your body for physical feelings.
Step Three
Take responsibility only for your own thoughts, emotions and actions.
“People pleasing is based on assumption and carried out on guilt.” We can’t assume how someone else is going to feel or think, and we can’t take on the responsibility of it either way.
To end a conversation you don’t want to be in, you need to be aware of your feelings and be honest with yourself. Don’t assume that the person will take offense. Just let them know you need to keep moving, say goodbye and continue to where your inner being is leading you.
To heal people pleasing it takes time to discard old patterns and develop new habits so do them one at a time. Use this mantra discard and replace to help you lean in to trusting yourself as you make these changes.
In practice as you heal people pleasing tendencies these steps are intertwined but to get started focus on shifting yourself from what other people need to putting yourself first.
You’re a master at anticipating what the people around you need. Turn that skill inwards to gain clarity about yourself.
Create 2 – 3 standard responses you can use instead of automatically agreeing to do something.
- Sorry my time is committed elsewhere.
- I need to check my calendar and get back to you.
- Let me think about that and let you know.
Remember you don’t have to explain yourself.
Create your own time out process that shifts your focus from other people to yourself. This could be meditating, walking in nature, exercise, reading or doing something creative.
With your first four chakras flowing much better you will be able to express your preferences with honesty and maintain your boundaries with flexibility rather than sacrifice.
And, remember… If you’re ready to find your purpose & protect your energy at work – with ease, every day – I have something to help you get started